Hi, My Loves∼
Wow! We are in December!!! What the beejuz!!! Why is time whizzing by so fast?? I mean why is that? July went by so nice and smooth and well paced. Then bam! I was half way through August. And now here I am nearing the end of 2019! Crazy.
So today we are talking relationships and boy what a convoluted yet can be simple topic, right??? Anyway, a while ago I asked some people to complete a survey for me because I had some relationship “stuff” percolating. As you guys know I have no problem coming on here and putting it out there.
Not many of you responded to the anonymous survey, guess ya was too skeeerrddd (LOL) to put your stuff out there, but I had at least 10 of you respond in a very honest and open way.
I asked questions like:
- How long have you been with your partner?”
- How often do you have sex?
- Who initiates mostly?
- On a scale of 1-10 what’s the level of passion in the relationship?
- What are your thoughts on open relationships?
And here’s what I concluded from my very small sample. And yea, I don’t care if it was a small sample, but I’ve had enough conversations with many others that gave me ideas. So let’s get to it!
I’ve been divorced for a hot minute and have had two serious relationships in the last 10 years.
As I’ve gotten older dating has become increasingly difficult because as we age we get very set in our ways. If you spend enough time alone, that becomes the “normal.”
It seems that as much as we want “balance” in a relationship. It’s difficult to come by. It’s either all or nothing. It’s either they are all in or playing games. There is always someone in the relationship who wants more, needs more, loves more. And as much as some of you may think that’s a bad thing. I think if you can come to some sort of agreement things can turn out better than you imagine, but you have to be wiling and open to renegotiating the relationship. You can’t expect that your relationship will maintain the level of intensity it had at the beginning throughout years and years.
I told someone “take your relationships as a learning experience” and they were offended. They took it as meaning that they were an experiment or guinea pig and nothing else good came of it but a learning experience. Weird. Like why? If we don’t learn from our relationships how are we supposed to learn about ourselves, how we interact, grow and do better next time around?
At the end of the day, people express love differently in relationships. Relationships ebb and flows.
Yet our society bombards us with this idea that relationships always have to be on this all time “HIGH” – ALL THE TIME. And quite frankly the mere thought of that exhausts me.
Some people believe that if the level of intensity experienced at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t maintain then it means there is something wrong in the relationship.
In my most recent relationship this was an issue. I am not an overly affectionate person. I never have been. Even with my own kids, it’s just not part of my DNA- to be touchy feely and hoochi coochie. But it doesn’t mean my love is any less. It just means I express it differently.
It just means that as I progress through a relationship, I go through different stages. Sometimes I am all time high, sometimes I am sucked into real life – work, bills, stress, self questioning, insecurity. Sometimes I want to be babied and coddled. Other times I want complete solitude to regroup and come back stronger.
But always learning and growing. So here are some things I have learned:
- People express love differently
- For some people love is expressed through affection and words of affirmations. For others love is expressed through acts of labor – taking out garbage, fixing things at home. For others its expressed through touch and sex. Everyone’s expression of love is different and it’s ok.
- Any relationship is a bonus to a person’s self growth and discovery
- And finally sex is not always going to be amazing, out of this world, star spangled banner, fireworks invoking kind of sex. If you’re having that type of sex all the time, every time, like 4-5 times a week, then you must be an escort, you’re cheating or faking it. Sorry not sorry. I am just saying.
It is what it is.
Your goal should be that you are willing to have conversations about needs and find middle ground. Being aware and in tune to your partner’s wants and needs. Finding balance so that neither feels they are putting in more than the other. Sometimes all this works and you have a great streak and flow.
And other times you fall into a rut. You get stuck. You become stagnant. Try not to live in that space too long. Do something fun and exciting with your partner. Dress up. Dress down. Go on a date night. Stay in. Whatever it takes to get things moving. Relationships take WORK and EFFORT.
At least if you think its worth it anyway.
Thanks for stopping by lovies!
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